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The assumption that heterosexual relationships are the “norm” and that everyone is cisgender (cisgender means a person whose gender identity corresponds with their birth sex). For example, asking “Will your wife be joining us for the company dinner?” to a man with a wedding ring who has not mentioned having a wife. 

Additionally, try to check assumptions in general about people’s home life, partners, and living situation. You could use neutral pronouns (they/them/their) to refer to a person’s partner before you’ve received additional information; this prevents you from putting someone in a position of having to correct you or from you having to ask questions regarding someone’s sexuality (i.e., “do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend/husband or wife?”)

This microaggression also occurs when the word “gay” is unnecessarily added as a qualifier to another term, like “Gay Wedding” or “Gay Best Friend” — this can be tokenizing and dehumanizing, regardless of intent. Think about if additional terms are really necessary to convey your message. (This is also important for other qualifiers related to race, gender, and other identity-based language!)

When speaking to children, it is helpful to refer to their parents as such, rather than assuming there is a “mom & dad” at home (for various reasons) – and sometimes it is just most productive to refer to their “grown-ups”!

There may be times that someone informs or corrects you regarding their correct pronouns. You may also hear a reference to “preferred pronouns,” – and in either case, it is important to pay mind to the use of the correct pronouns and to respect the significance of doing so. 

It is also helpful to move on and quickly correct yourself if you have used the incorrect pronouns rather than dwell, over-apologize, or in any way make the person feel “othered” or embarrassed. It is often a risk for someone to correct people in public regarding their pronouns, so to graciously accept and adjust is a huge gesture of acceptance. However, measures should be taken so that misgendering does not continue to happen in the future. It is also helpful to politely and discreetly inform, remind and correct others if you hear the wrong pronouns being used.

This may be challenging in cases where the individual has transitioned or corrected their pronoun usage from the pronouns, name, and identity that you once knew them as. While you might feel the impulse to delay the adoption of the corrected identity, feel skepticism over its “staying power,” or otherwise feel the need to hold the connection to the past identity – remember that can be incredibly demoralizing and hurtful to that person. You should even refrain from remarks such as, “You’ll always be my little brother, no matter what!” or communicating feelings of loss related to a previous identity. Celebrate the person that you have in your life and respect their desire and their right to live in truth!

As aforementioned, we live in a state with many protections related to LGBTQ+ safety, inclusion, and equity – New Mexico was recently lauded as one of the safest places for LGBTQ+ people in the country by LGBTQ Nation. However, this does not mean that individuals cannot still experience discrimination, harassment, bullying, violence, or other harm. LGBTQ+ people in your life, on social media, or in the news may reference their fear or uncertainty on issues such as reception to coming out, gender-affirming care, workplace dynamics, mental health, and other challenges related to their identity. It is important to listen, learn and take seriously the threats that exist for many within this community. 

That same denial or minimization is why we’ve created this page and this campaign to reach new people… we know that a denial or minimization of homophobia and transphobia will leave open space for intolerance, a building coalition of anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes and policies, and ultimately will result in harm. 

In the same way, we also know that individuals subject to microaggressions can experience high levels of stress, agitation, depression, or a mix of conflating pressures and exclusion. For people who face multiple microaggressions related to race, ethnicity, or other identities, these effects can be compounded. What may seem like “no big deal” to you can have an immense impact on an individual over time. Have you heard the term “death by a thousand cuts”? It’s like that. 

Read more about the impact of microaggressions from experts here.